Thursday, 15 December 2016

Learning Curve

loss of appetite
bags under eyes which I never usually have
dull skin
random hot flushes/fever
huffing and puffing
shaking my head in disbelief
red cheeks
random blurry vision
haven't exercised in the past 2 days
haven't walked in the past 2 days
i haven't been my normal self
my inner light has been turned off 

My body is giving me all these signs because it doesn't really know how to deal with this emotional burden I've been carrying.

I'm hoping to jump out of this feeling very soon because I know my mom can see right through me! How can she ask yesterday if I've been hacked lately.. she just knows that me feeling like this resembles how I was a few months ago during the peak of the hacking. 

I can't tell her or anyone else for that matter that my hacker was none other than my good friend. That's something I'll have to keep for myself. I don't see how this piece of information is gonna change anything for them. 

I know, I'll get over this dirty stab in the back soon. I was reading back Tuesday's post and I could feel the fire of anger through the sentences, anger is not an emotion I know well. I rarely get angry and even through this whole thing.. anger hasn't been the most significant emotion I've felt. I've felt more upset and hurt than angry in all honesty but anger is there but in minimal proportions.

I just need to let it go but even that is hard because I know that I won't get a clear answer to all my questions and nor will I get a proper apology either. I have to ''samir'' (can't think of the English word for this) for my own sake, mind and body. I don't want my family to keep seeing me like this because they'll start worrying and that's not something I want.

Forgiving is something I can do, it's ok. It's hard to live with a pure heart (as per my life mission) if you can't forgive. The purity of my heart means more to me than holding on to a grudge because of my ego. But I'm not going to lie, this is the hardest thing for me to forgive. Do you ever feel like someone doesn't deserve to be forgiven? Or does everyone deserve to be forgiven regardless?

I remember Shaykh Munajjid and the way he forgave the man who wrongfully killed his son. Surely, that's much harder to accept and deal with than this little thing I'm going through? I also remember that narration with Abu Bakr radiyAllah 'anhu and the man who participated in the slander of his daughter while he was financially helping him.. Allah sent down verses 'Would you not love for Allah to forgive you?'

I also try to remember the story with Shaykh-ul Islam Ibn Taymiyyah. There was this one specific individual who tirelessly slandered him, he would talk bad about Ibn Taymiyyah, make lies about him, prevent people from going to his lessons ect. Upon this man's death, some of the students of Ibn Taymiyyah including Ibn Qayyim came to their teacher jumping happily and with the 'good' news of the man's death. Ibn Taymiyyah scolded them harshly saying 'are you rejoicing at the death of a Muslim? What is wrong with you?' He then went to attend the man's janazah and started to finance the orphaned children the man left behind and become their father figure. Can you imagine this? He is helping out the children of the man who hurt him so much for all these years? Nothing forced him to do this except for the willingness to return goodness to badness.

Surah Ash-Shurah, please read this (note to myself to also read this surah today with reflection), you will see how you can attain such a level of forgiveness and lofty manners.

By trying to forgive and move on, this is what I am trying to achieve as well. From these 3 examples, you can how these righteous men graciously gave back good behaviour in exchange of the harm that was done to them. This ability to do good to the person who has wronged you is just incredible, really an amazing quality. No one can achieve that unless the Lord facilitates a kind soul.

So yes, my friend betrayed me for a very long time and overstepped too many lines but don't they deserve to be forgiven too? If I was in that situation, wouldn't I like to be forgiven? At the end of the day, I don't need to know why they did this (it's the ego that wants explications), the harm has been done long ago and knowing why will not solve anything. Leaving it and moving on is the way forward. The longer I drag this burden with me, the more miserable I'll be. I just need to accept what happened and let go. Only then, I can be back to my cheeky self and embrace life with joy and wonder. 

I just want to use this platform to say that I'm forgiving you dear Hacker. I forgive you, again and again. I don't understand what made you go this far but that's for you to deal with. In other words, (so hard to type it wallah) I forgive you from the bottom of my heart. May Allah forgive you in many folds and me too.

I'm forgiving you primarily for my own good then for your salvation. Forgiving someone helps the forgiving person more than it benefits the person on the receiving end. My body can hopefully just chill now and stop with all the emotional signals I described above! I need some happy hormones today! 

I know that there's so much pain and sad things happening in the world at this very moment.. and I shouldn't really dwell too much on my poor little misfortune. This is the end of this roller coaster and I couldn't be happier about that.

I'll most likely take down Tuesday's post.. I don't think it's very useful to keep it. When I wrote it, it was a means to let some steam out.. which I no longer have.

Oh well, have a blessed day :) 

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